So one month of taking my chiropractor's advice, and what do I have? Two days with no period. I'm not even going to get into the weirdness of my chiropractor giving me better advice than my OB/GYN. I'm also not going to get too excited yet because..
I, unfortunately, also have a negative pregnancy test.
What a horrible story to go along with taking that test too. Ugh. Each time I've taken a test, I get up early enough so Jared is still at home. I will not take a test if he's not around to share the news. So I woke up and took the test this morning, and it looked like there was instantly two faint, pink lines. I put the test on the floor and ran out to Jared, smiling and saying "there's two lines!!" We hugged and shared the joy of finally being pregnant. "Its our turn now," he said. After a few minutes, something made me want to check the test again. So I did, and Jared followed me in the bathroom. Gross as it is, what I thought was the first line was just the light reflecting on a drop of pee that was on the test. The other line was a bright pink, and it was the only line there. We hugged again for a few minutes, letting the disappointment sink in.
But then we thought about it a bit more. I've still missed my period so far, and that hasn't happened in the 7 months I've been off birth control. Why would I miss it now? That's a good question to research!
Pregnancy is the #1 reason for a missed period. A second reason could be stress. I have been stressed at work recently, but I don't think its been enough to throw off my body's cycles. I'm really thinking that I have to be pregnant, as unlikely as I feel that could be given that we didn't try at all this month (meaning, we didn't have sex on purpose according to my ovulation schedule). It is apparently very possible that I don't have enough of the HCG hormone yet to be detected by a test. I've read that some women don't get a positive pregnancy test until they are a few weeks pregnant (and some never get a positive home test).
Its extremely hard for me to not get crazy excited right now. I've brought things up as if I am, like plans for announcing the gender, who would we tell right away, nursery designs, etc. My urge to revisit saved wish lists on Babies R Us is almost too large to ignore. I really don't want a disappointment, though.
Keep your fingers and toes crossed that a little Jana or Jacob is growing in my belly right now. :)
Saturday, August 10, 2013
Sunday, July 28, 2013
Back to Basics
With anything in life, when you've failed over and over again, there comes a time when you need to take a step back and reassess. You've tried a few different strategies and none have worked. Its time to look at things from a new angle. That time for us is now.
As it turns out, the third time is not the charm. Despite the different strategies used, new plans made, and lots and lots of sex had (TMI, I know), I am still not pregnant. I can't tell you how horrible it feels to be asked "so when are you two going to have kids?" when you've been trying for months with no luck. It doesn't always happen right away, but that doesn't make it any less disappointing. The timing is perfect. The strategies have been sound. We've been staying healthy and active. The only thing that could be stopping us is.. us.
It could be our bodies; it could be our minds. Just in case its my body, I made an appointment for my yearly check-up. I'd want to wait to see if its Jared's body, provided mine has no issues. Our minds? That's an entirely different problem.
I happened to have an appointment with my chiropractor on the day we tested and got the negative result. I see him a lot, for anything physical (not allergies and stuff like that), so he knows me pretty well. After I gave him the run down of what was giving me a hard time (thanks to the running I was trying to do), he asked how everything else was. I said "pretty good," and he could somehow tell there was something on my mind. So I told him. We've been trying to get pregnant for 3 months now. He said "And how's it going?" "Not good. I'm using the ovulation tests and everything, but its not working." His response: "Have you tried not using those tests? Just let it happen naturally."
He told me that our bodies know when it isn't a good time to get pregnant. If you're stressed out, you won't get pregnant because it isn't a healthy environment for the baby. I've been told and read the advice "don't stress about it, just have fun!" so many times, and I really didn't think I was stressed out. I still don't think its that bad, but I've decided to ditch the tests. All of them. We're going to get pregnant and find out about it the way nature intended. I don't think this will be stress free, but its got to be better than what we've been doing.
I'm going to try to keep this out of my head and spend more "quality" time with Jared (wink, wink). If someone had told me when we first started dating that we'd reach a point when we'd have to make an effort to have sex more often, I would have laughed right in their face. I guess it happens to everyone. We've settled into a routine that doesn't include sex as often as it used to. I've packed on some pounds (again) and am just not as comfortable with myself as I want to be. There are too many excuses, and its time they stopped.
So, I may not post as much anymore. I'd like to say that the next time I post, there will be a baby brewing in my belly. I hope that's the case, but I will not stress over it. I'm sure I'll be stressing enough once I am pregnant, and then for the rest of my life as a parent.
As it turns out, the third time is not the charm. Despite the different strategies used, new plans made, and lots and lots of sex had (TMI, I know), I am still not pregnant. I can't tell you how horrible it feels to be asked "so when are you two going to have kids?" when you've been trying for months with no luck. It doesn't always happen right away, but that doesn't make it any less disappointing. The timing is perfect. The strategies have been sound. We've been staying healthy and active. The only thing that could be stopping us is.. us.
It could be our bodies; it could be our minds. Just in case its my body, I made an appointment for my yearly check-up. I'd want to wait to see if its Jared's body, provided mine has no issues. Our minds? That's an entirely different problem.
I happened to have an appointment with my chiropractor on the day we tested and got the negative result. I see him a lot, for anything physical (not allergies and stuff like that), so he knows me pretty well. After I gave him the run down of what was giving me a hard time (thanks to the running I was trying to do), he asked how everything else was. I said "pretty good," and he could somehow tell there was something on my mind. So I told him. We've been trying to get pregnant for 3 months now. He said "And how's it going?" "Not good. I'm using the ovulation tests and everything, but its not working." His response: "Have you tried not using those tests? Just let it happen naturally."
He told me that our bodies know when it isn't a good time to get pregnant. If you're stressed out, you won't get pregnant because it isn't a healthy environment for the baby. I've been told and read the advice "don't stress about it, just have fun!" so many times, and I really didn't think I was stressed out. I still don't think its that bad, but I've decided to ditch the tests. All of them. We're going to get pregnant and find out about it the way nature intended. I don't think this will be stress free, but its got to be better than what we've been doing.
I'm going to try to keep this out of my head and spend more "quality" time with Jared (wink, wink). If someone had told me when we first started dating that we'd reach a point when we'd have to make an effort to have sex more often, I would have laughed right in their face. I guess it happens to everyone. We've settled into a routine that doesn't include sex as often as it used to. I've packed on some pounds (again) and am just not as comfortable with myself as I want to be. There are too many excuses, and its time they stopped.
So, I may not post as much anymore. I'd like to say that the next time I post, there will be a baby brewing in my belly. I hope that's the case, but I will not stress over it. I'm sure I'll be stressing enough once I am pregnant, and then for the rest of my life as a parent.
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
The Pastime Formerly Known as Sex
Someone called me a prude once. I can totally see why. Being around strange, naked or half-naked people makes me uncomfortable. I feel awkward talking about sex and avoid using most terms (including sex). I mean, really. For a blog about getting pregnant, go back and count how many times I've used the word sex. I'm sure its surprisingly low given the topic.
But I'm going to put my adult hat on for a few minutes so I can share something that's been weighing on my mind. If you know me in a capacity such that you don't want to know anything about my sex life, you can stop reading now.
I was watching a show last night called "Sex: How it Works." They talked about how necessary it is to survival, not only of human-kind but of our individual lives. The connection it gives you with your partner is unbelievable. The stress that is relieved through sex is incredible. Not to mention its amazingly fun. :)
Since we've started trying to conceive, though, sex has changed. It is now referred to as baby-making because that is its purpose. Not to say that its become all scientific and boring like some people warn will happen. On the contrary, they have been the most romantic experiences. Its just different when you know you could be creating life. I think the emotional impact of something so monumental is almost detrimental to every day life, though.
Regular, fun sex (as opposed to baby-making) just doesn't happen as often. We're so caught up in the timing and the excitement, that we forget we can have sex when I'm not able to get pregnant. Here's the typical schedule:
Last week of the month - have sex at least once a day when ovulating **fun, romantic, exciting**
Two weeks - waiting to find out if I'm pregnant **exciting, nerve-wracking, a little scary**
Days before missed period - take pregnancy test **disappointment**
Next two weeks - researching ways to increase fertility and putting them in action **motivated, stressed**
..Repeat..
This baby-making process has been consuming us. We took a step back two nights ago and realized what we were doing. This is supposed to be fun and exciting. Of course its disappointing when the test comes back negative, but we make whatever adjustments are needed and get back up (pun totally intended). I think we've got this figured out now; I'm just hoping we can keep the excitement going for as long as it takes to finally make a baby.
(Sorry, Mom.)
But I'm going to put my adult hat on for a few minutes so I can share something that's been weighing on my mind. If you know me in a capacity such that you don't want to know anything about my sex life, you can stop reading now.
I was watching a show last night called "Sex: How it Works." They talked about how necessary it is to survival, not only of human-kind but of our individual lives. The connection it gives you with your partner is unbelievable. The stress that is relieved through sex is incredible. Not to mention its amazingly fun. :)
Since we've started trying to conceive, though, sex has changed. It is now referred to as baby-making because that is its purpose. Not to say that its become all scientific and boring like some people warn will happen. On the contrary, they have been the most romantic experiences. Its just different when you know you could be creating life. I think the emotional impact of something so monumental is almost detrimental to every day life, though.
Regular, fun sex (as opposed to baby-making) just doesn't happen as often. We're so caught up in the timing and the excitement, that we forget we can have sex when I'm not able to get pregnant. Here's the typical schedule:
Last week of the month - have sex at least once a day when ovulating **fun, romantic, exciting**
Two weeks - waiting to find out if I'm pregnant **exciting, nerve-wracking, a little scary**
Days before missed period - take pregnancy test **disappointment**
Next two weeks - researching ways to increase fertility and putting them in action **motivated, stressed**
..Repeat..
This baby-making process has been consuming us. We took a step back two nights ago and realized what we were doing. This is supposed to be fun and exciting. Of course its disappointing when the test comes back negative, but we make whatever adjustments are needed and get back up (pun totally intended). I think we've got this figured out now; I'm just hoping we can keep the excitement going for as long as it takes to finally make a baby.
(Sorry, Mom.)
Sunday, June 16, 2013
I hate this. Period.
Well this is the second strike. No baby yet. Ugh, this is a frustrating process.
Took two tests that came back negative, but it didn't really hit me until that thing I was supposed to miss, made an appearance anyway. Stupid period. I hate it.
Jared is cutting out alcohol almost entirely since it supposedly slows down his army. He is motivating me not to drink soda as much. Its working pretty well.
I also read that you should be uh, practicing, every other day. The idea of saving up a few days worth of his little men to increase chances of getting pregnant is actually the opposite of what happens. Guess it gets crowded in there like the mall on black friday, and everyone just gives up. :/
Ok so armed with new info and better strategies, we're on to the next round. Man, I really hope the third time is the charm.
Sunday, June 2, 2013
Worse than Waiting for Christmas Morning!
We've done all we can now to get pregnant this month, so now its just a waiting game to find out if it worked! This is the worst waiting game ever.. :(
There's plenty of things to do while we're waiting though. For example, I've been filling up most of my time planning for next month's efforts if this one isn't successful. Less alcohol for Jared (alcohol slows down his little men), more exercise for me. Hooray. I've also started to really kick the soda (I mean it, this time.. no, I swear, I really am done with it). We've also talked about all the possibilities - sickness/disabilities, twins (or more..please no), abnormal pregnancies, etc - and what we would do in each situation.
We've talked about the differences in how all of this is affecting us. I wrote in a previous blog about my friend telling me pregnancy is kinda a lonely experience. No one else is going through exactly what you're going through, and your husband will never fully understand it. I see that now. At this very moment, I could have another human being living inside of me. I'm extremely excited and a little scared about that. This all got very real for me when we tried to get pregnant knowing I was at my most fertile point (thanks to the ovulation test). But for Jared, this won't be real until we tell everyone we're going to be parents (I'm not assuming this, its what he said). I know we'll get there soon, but I wish we were on the same emotional page from the start. This does feel lonely.
In about a week, I'm going to take a pregnancy test (or two), and we have our fingers crossed that it'll be positive. I feel like I got a sign yesterday that this is the case. I went to my cousin Danielle's baby shower, and they played the word game. We couldn't say "baby" or "Sadie" (the baby's name), and if we did, we had our game piece taken from us. The person with the most pieces at the end of the shower won a prize. I kept an ear open to everyone around me and ended up with 10 pieces at the end. I opened the prize, and it was an outdoor decoration with an owl on it. I haven't mentioned this yet in my blog (cause it would be crazy to think this far ahead for normal people), but I really love owls for a baby's room theme. I had to take this as a sign that I'm pregnant! :)
There's plenty of things to do while we're waiting though. For example, I've been filling up most of my time planning for next month's efforts if this one isn't successful. Less alcohol for Jared (alcohol slows down his little men), more exercise for me. Hooray. I've also started to really kick the soda (I mean it, this time.. no, I swear, I really am done with it). We've also talked about all the possibilities - sickness/disabilities, twins (or more..please no), abnormal pregnancies, etc - and what we would do in each situation.
We've talked about the differences in how all of this is affecting us. I wrote in a previous blog about my friend telling me pregnancy is kinda a lonely experience. No one else is going through exactly what you're going through, and your husband will never fully understand it. I see that now. At this very moment, I could have another human being living inside of me. I'm extremely excited and a little scared about that. This all got very real for me when we tried to get pregnant knowing I was at my most fertile point (thanks to the ovulation test). But for Jared, this won't be real until we tell everyone we're going to be parents (I'm not assuming this, its what he said). I know we'll get there soon, but I wish we were on the same emotional page from the start. This does feel lonely.
In about a week, I'm going to take a pregnancy test (or two), and we have our fingers crossed that it'll be positive. I feel like I got a sign yesterday that this is the case. I went to my cousin Danielle's baby shower, and they played the word game. We couldn't say "baby" or "Sadie" (the baby's name), and if we did, we had our game piece taken from us. The person with the most pieces at the end of the shower won a prize. I kept an ear open to everyone around me and ended up with 10 pieces at the end. I opened the prize, and it was an outdoor decoration with an owl on it. I haven't mentioned this yet in my blog (cause it would be crazy to think this far ahead for normal people), but I really love owls for a baby's room theme. I had to take this as a sign that I'm pregnant! :)
Thursday, May 30, 2013
:)
Today is the day!! I got a smiley face on my ovulation test this morning, meaning its the first of two peak fertility days. *Cue the Barry Manilow song*
Even though we "tried" in April, today feels like the first legitimate attempt at getting pregnant. I've been keeping better track of my fertility with those pee sticks every morning, so we know the timing is right. If we don't get pregnant this time, we'll need to look at changing something like our diets. I mean, I even hung upside down off the bed afterwards so gravity made it easier for the little guys to reach their goal.
This has to be it.
Even though we "tried" in April, today feels like the first legitimate attempt at getting pregnant. I've been keeping better track of my fertility with those pee sticks every morning, so we know the timing is right. If we don't get pregnant this time, we'll need to look at changing something like our diets. I mean, I even hung upside down off the bed afterwards so gravity made it easier for the little guys to reach their goal.
This has to be it.
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
"If at first you don't succeed.."
"..try, try again!"
The time has come to give this a second try. After talking with my friend (who is now pregnant with her second!), I've decided to use more than an online calculator to figure out the best days to try. Jared was kind enough to get some "ovulation tests" yesterday, so we'll be able to pinpoint the exact days we need to kick it into high gear (how many ways can I get around saying "have sex," I wonder).
No dice yet.
The time has come to give this a second try. After talking with my friend (who is now pregnant with her second!), I've decided to use more than an online calculator to figure out the best days to try. Jared was kind enough to get some "ovulation tests" yesterday, so we'll be able to pinpoint the exact days we need to kick it into high gear (how many ways can I get around saying "have sex," I wonder).
No dice yet.
Sunday, May 12, 2013
Strike 1
I've realized that my blog has become rather boring now that I've figured out or come to terms with all my baby-related issues! Sorry for that :/
Baby-making status update:
Despite trying all the tricks to help get pregnant, this cycle's efforts have failed. :( I'm a little sad about it, but not too much. I really want a baby more than anything now, but the longer it takes for me to get pregnant, the more leave I'll have saved (thus, more time I can stay home) when the baby is here.
I'm not surprised that our tricks didn't work this time. There's a window of time when a girl is able to get pregnant, and I use a calculator on thebump.com to pinpoint those days. For some reason (possibly a little thing called PMS lol), I'm really irritable on my most fertile days! I get annoyed at the smallest, dumbest things. Talk about natural birth control!! I need to find a way to get over that or I may never get pregnant..
My cousin said once that she always knew almost immediately when she was pregnant. There was some distinct feeling that tipped her off and came on right away. Since we started really trying, I've been looking for some undeniable sign. I had some bad stomach pain one night.. woke up feeling a little nauseous another day.. I felt unusually full at one point. Yeah, looking back now, I was grasping at straws, but I was curious with each odd feeling if it was my pregnancy sign.
I really hate baseball (I can picture the glare my sister-in-law is giving me for saying this), but this really does feel like the first strike. We swung and missed. We may have swung a little weak, but we tried. This means more conditioning and, ugh, practice so we can hit a home-run next time. I guess soda and junk food aren't part of an athlete's diet, huh? Damnit.. time for me to get serious about this health crap now.
Baby-making status update:
Despite trying all the tricks to help get pregnant, this cycle's efforts have failed. :( I'm a little sad about it, but not too much. I really want a baby more than anything now, but the longer it takes for me to get pregnant, the more leave I'll have saved (thus, more time I can stay home) when the baby is here.
I'm not surprised that our tricks didn't work this time. There's a window of time when a girl is able to get pregnant, and I use a calculator on thebump.com to pinpoint those days. For some reason (possibly a little thing called PMS lol), I'm really irritable on my most fertile days! I get annoyed at the smallest, dumbest things. Talk about natural birth control!! I need to find a way to get over that or I may never get pregnant..
My cousin said once that she always knew almost immediately when she was pregnant. There was some distinct feeling that tipped her off and came on right away. Since we started really trying, I've been looking for some undeniable sign. I had some bad stomach pain one night.. woke up feeling a little nauseous another day.. I felt unusually full at one point. Yeah, looking back now, I was grasping at straws, but I was curious with each odd feeling if it was my pregnancy sign.
I really hate baseball (I can picture the glare my sister-in-law is giving me for saying this), but this really does feel like the first strike. We swung and missed. We may have swung a little weak, but we tried. This means more conditioning and, ugh, practice so we can hit a home-run next time. I guess soda and junk food aren't part of an athlete's diet, huh? Damnit.. time for me to get serious about this health crap now.
Friday, April 5, 2013
"sooo.. its April!!"
I get a text from my best friend today who's the only one in the loop with our baby-making plans. "Sooo... its April!!" Time to start the baby-making!
Isn't it a perfect time to try to get pregnant? There are babies everywhere! All over facebook, I'm seeing baby bunnies in Easter pictures, little kittens, chicks, etc. I love it! :)
The plan is to start really trying - like using all the techniques talked about in books, on forums, motherhood articles, etc - at the end of this month. As I understand it, there's only a small window each month where we can get pregnant. Thank goodness TheBump.com has it all figured out and put everything in easy calculators and charts. I would be so lost without that website (I'm sure other websites have the same stuff, but I was a Knot and Nest girl, so Bump just comes next naturally).
I'm so unbelievably excited and ready to do this. We've been putting it off for so many different reasons, and I'm somewhat glad for that. I've had a lot of time to prepare myself and jot down my thoughts on this whole ordeal. Honestly, having this blog to go to has helped me a lot. I've been using it as a pseudo-journal. This was going to be a blog that both Jared and I posted on, but he saw how much I needed it to vent. I never realized how much writing my concerns could help me work through them!
And see. I'm insanely excited to truly start this journey with Jared that all those worries I had (and some I still have) are not enough to keep me from becoming a mother. I already want my Jana and/or (please let it be an "or") Jacob to be home with us. <3
Let the baby-making begin!!
Isn't it a perfect time to try to get pregnant? There are babies everywhere! All over facebook, I'm seeing baby bunnies in Easter pictures, little kittens, chicks, etc. I love it! :)
The plan is to start really trying - like using all the techniques talked about in books, on forums, motherhood articles, etc - at the end of this month. As I understand it, there's only a small window each month where we can get pregnant. Thank goodness TheBump.com has it all figured out and put everything in easy calculators and charts. I would be so lost without that website (I'm sure other websites have the same stuff, but I was a Knot and Nest girl, so Bump just comes next naturally).
I'm so unbelievably excited and ready to do this. We've been putting it off for so many different reasons, and I'm somewhat glad for that. I've had a lot of time to prepare myself and jot down my thoughts on this whole ordeal. Honestly, having this blog to go to has helped me a lot. I've been using it as a pseudo-journal. This was going to be a blog that both Jared and I posted on, but he saw how much I needed it to vent. I never realized how much writing my concerns could help me work through them!
And see. I'm insanely excited to truly start this journey with Jared that all those worries I had (and some I still have) are not enough to keep me from becoming a mother. I already want my Jana and/or (please let it be an "or") Jacob to be home with us. <3
Let the baby-making begin!!
Sunday, March 31, 2013
Lose Yourself: More than an Eminem Song
A friend of mine posted an article on facebook a few weeks ago that listed the top things parents wish they knew before having kids. He said it was a good article, so I trust that its pretty accurate since he has a new baby who's just a few months old.
A lot of the info in this article was the standard baby talk: more diapers than you could have ever imagined, lots of cute clothes never get worn since babies grow out of sizes so quick, no sleep, no free-time, no money, etc. I've heard and read all of this a million times. I've also heard people say that you just don't feel like yourself, but this article put it in words that really got to me.
"You will NEVER be the same."
Now, the article talks about how your choices in entertainment, nutritional and safety habits, and thoughts on poop (of all things) will change. Of course, it also talks about the loving bond you will now have with your child. It also mentions the change in your relationship with your spouse (which worries me, if you've read previous posts). But there's something about this saying - "you'll never be the same" - that really got to me.
I don't want to lose who I am. I've worked for almost 30 years to develop who I am today; totally changing the definition of who I am for the rest of my life is not easy to think about. I suppose it comes back to the fear of the unknown again. Am I going to change for the better? I don't want to become a crazy, over-protective mother on the verge of a nervous breakdown. On the other hand, I don't want to become an irresponsible mother, either. I want to keep the core of who I am but tweak it here and there. I already value family, but I want to value my family even more and in different ways when we have a baby. I value fairness and equality, but I want to strengthen that conviction when we have children. I've learned what love truly is and what makes a person great, but I want to add to that knowledge by experiencing the greatest love of all.
I don't want to lose myself - I want to grow from who I am now. Luckily, I have a husband who is the perfect person to keep me on this path during our journey. I shared these thoughts with him, and I think he got a little scared that I was changing my mind on wanting kids. He assured me that he would let me know if it seemed like I was headed towards the dark side, changing into someone I wouldn't like. I can trust that he'll let me know if I'm being ridiculous about something or worrying too much. I trust that he'll always remind me of what's important in life. I just have to hope that I won't change too much to listen to him.
One thing he can't comfort me on is the physical changes I know I'm going to go through. He'll never experience it, so its easy for him to shrug it off. I was told once by a friend that being pregnant feels like you're not you anymore - you're just a host for another person. People don't think twice about touching your belly or asking personal questions about your body. Can you imagine if someone came up to you and patted your stomach or put their ear up to it with no baby inside?? It would never happen! Your body isn't yours when you're pregnant, and then you have a baby who depends on your body to live. I'm a pretty modest person, so I have a hard time imagining breast-feeding in general, let alone in public. But I know that it will be the best thing for our children, so I'll get used to it. It means continuing to stay fit and healthy, though, since I'll still be eating for two. At least my body will become solely mine again once our baby is eating real food. I can't say the same for my mind.
So maybe I should look at it like this. Instead of "You will NEVER be the same," I'm going to think "You will be a BETTER person." Of course becoming a mother is going to change my life forever. But as long as I hold tight to my beliefs and my values, I can choose to grow as a person and add to my beliefs and values instead of change them. I have to trust in myself to do this.
A lot of the info in this article was the standard baby talk: more diapers than you could have ever imagined, lots of cute clothes never get worn since babies grow out of sizes so quick, no sleep, no free-time, no money, etc. I've heard and read all of this a million times. I've also heard people say that you just don't feel like yourself, but this article put it in words that really got to me.
"You will NEVER be the same."
Now, the article talks about how your choices in entertainment, nutritional and safety habits, and thoughts on poop (of all things) will change. Of course, it also talks about the loving bond you will now have with your child. It also mentions the change in your relationship with your spouse (which worries me, if you've read previous posts). But there's something about this saying - "you'll never be the same" - that really got to me.
I don't want to lose who I am. I've worked for almost 30 years to develop who I am today; totally changing the definition of who I am for the rest of my life is not easy to think about. I suppose it comes back to the fear of the unknown again. Am I going to change for the better? I don't want to become a crazy, over-protective mother on the verge of a nervous breakdown. On the other hand, I don't want to become an irresponsible mother, either. I want to keep the core of who I am but tweak it here and there. I already value family, but I want to value my family even more and in different ways when we have a baby. I value fairness and equality, but I want to strengthen that conviction when we have children. I've learned what love truly is and what makes a person great, but I want to add to that knowledge by experiencing the greatest love of all.
I don't want to lose myself - I want to grow from who I am now. Luckily, I have a husband who is the perfect person to keep me on this path during our journey. I shared these thoughts with him, and I think he got a little scared that I was changing my mind on wanting kids. He assured me that he would let me know if it seemed like I was headed towards the dark side, changing into someone I wouldn't like. I can trust that he'll let me know if I'm being ridiculous about something or worrying too much. I trust that he'll always remind me of what's important in life. I just have to hope that I won't change too much to listen to him.
One thing he can't comfort me on is the physical changes I know I'm going to go through. He'll never experience it, so its easy for him to shrug it off. I was told once by a friend that being pregnant feels like you're not you anymore - you're just a host for another person. People don't think twice about touching your belly or asking personal questions about your body. Can you imagine if someone came up to you and patted your stomach or put their ear up to it with no baby inside?? It would never happen! Your body isn't yours when you're pregnant, and then you have a baby who depends on your body to live. I'm a pretty modest person, so I have a hard time imagining breast-feeding in general, let alone in public. But I know that it will be the best thing for our children, so I'll get used to it. It means continuing to stay fit and healthy, though, since I'll still be eating for two. At least my body will become solely mine again once our baby is eating real food. I can't say the same for my mind.
So maybe I should look at it like this. Instead of "You will NEVER be the same," I'm going to think "You will be a BETTER person." Of course becoming a mother is going to change my life forever. But as long as I hold tight to my beliefs and my values, I can choose to grow as a person and add to my beliefs and values instead of change them. I have to trust in myself to do this.
Sunday, February 24, 2013
Junior Section: No Moms Allowed!
We had some friends over last night, and three of us started talking about shopping. Somehow it came up that I had a hard time finding jeans recently. My two friends asked me where I was shopping, and I said "Kohls...in the Junior's section." They both laughed at me. One is a mom already, the other is due to become one this summer.
So I guess I'm that old lady I used to wonder about in the Junior's section. "Why is she shopping over here? She's way too old. Let go of your youth, lady! Time to grow up!" Ugh.. I'm not ready for that! I feel like the day I stop shopping in the junior's section will be the day I stop being cool. That's silly, isn't it? There's plenty of fashionable clothes in the.. what do they even call it? The Lady's section?
I'm close to 30 now, so I guess it is time for me to move on. Forget my youth, and move on to the next stage of life. *Sigh*
So I guess I'm that old lady I used to wonder about in the Junior's section. "Why is she shopping over here? She's way too old. Let go of your youth, lady! Time to grow up!" Ugh.. I'm not ready for that! I feel like the day I stop shopping in the junior's section will be the day I stop being cool. That's silly, isn't it? There's plenty of fashionable clothes in the.. what do they even call it? The Lady's section?
I'm close to 30 now, so I guess it is time for me to move on. Forget my youth, and move on to the next stage of life. *Sigh*
Friday, February 15, 2013
Telling an Irish girl she can't drink... HA!
Everyone knows that drinking alcohol while pregnant is an unhealthy, irresponsible decision (maybe this is too strict? I've read some doctors say a glass of wine is ok every once in a while). But what about when you're preparing your body for pregnancy?
Of course, alcohol isn't good for your body - not the type I drink, at least. I'm not a wine drinker, so I can't use the excuse that a glass with dinner is healthy for my heart. I'm not a beer drinker either (believe me, I've tried a lot of them.. not a fan). Nope, I like the liquor! Give me a mixed drink that doesn't have a strong alcohol taste, and I'm slurping it up. Shots are ok, too, but a drink like Captain and Coke is much more enjoyable for me.
I apparently acquired a reputation at work for being the "party girl," although I don't think it really fits me. I'm not one of those social butterflies who's out drinking and dancing every weekend. Anyway, this reputation led to me being designated the Happy Hour planner. Not a hard job at all, and I love the people I work with so hanging out, drinking and eating half-priced appetizers once a month is actually fun.
A problem emerges, however, when the Happy Hour planner wants to stop drinking and start eating healthier. First, if I'm in any social gathering and NOT drinking, someone always points it out and asks if I'm pregnant. Most excuses are not good enough to convince the person otherwise, which is pretty annoying. Second, most bars have pretty crappy food. Its definitely not what you'd want to eat if you're looking to lose weight and get in shape (yes, round is a shape, but not the one I'm going for).
So if I wasn't the planner, I'd just skip the monthly "after-work event," but I don't have that luxury. I'm thinking I might try to pass it on to someone else in the group, but I need to think of a good reason to do that. Maybe I want to give someone else the power to choose which bars we go to? Or maybe I'd like to give someone else the responsibility so that they can improve their planning skills?
For now, I'm drinking infrequently - maybe once a week - and not in excess (except for Valentine's Day, I'll admit.. we went a little crazy with the Captain). I know this isn't ideal, but I'm thinking its ok. My main concern is that I'll get pregnant before we really start trying (off birth control now, so we're trying to time everything perfectly to avoid the fertile days), and I will drink without knowing I'm pregnant. Even this scenario happens all the time, and the mom and baby are fine.
My conclusion? Over the next two months, I will enjoy myself within my own limits (after that, I'm saying goodbye to the Captain and his friends!).
Cheers!
Of course, alcohol isn't good for your body - not the type I drink, at least. I'm not a wine drinker, so I can't use the excuse that a glass with dinner is healthy for my heart. I'm not a beer drinker either (believe me, I've tried a lot of them.. not a fan). Nope, I like the liquor! Give me a mixed drink that doesn't have a strong alcohol taste, and I'm slurping it up. Shots are ok, too, but a drink like Captain and Coke is much more enjoyable for me.
I apparently acquired a reputation at work for being the "party girl," although I don't think it really fits me. I'm not one of those social butterflies who's out drinking and dancing every weekend. Anyway, this reputation led to me being designated the Happy Hour planner. Not a hard job at all, and I love the people I work with so hanging out, drinking and eating half-priced appetizers once a month is actually fun.
A problem emerges, however, when the Happy Hour planner wants to stop drinking and start eating healthier. First, if I'm in any social gathering and NOT drinking, someone always points it out and asks if I'm pregnant. Most excuses are not good enough to convince the person otherwise, which is pretty annoying. Second, most bars have pretty crappy food. Its definitely not what you'd want to eat if you're looking to lose weight and get in shape (yes, round is a shape, but not the one I'm going for).
So if I wasn't the planner, I'd just skip the monthly "after-work event," but I don't have that luxury. I'm thinking I might try to pass it on to someone else in the group, but I need to think of a good reason to do that. Maybe I want to give someone else the power to choose which bars we go to? Or maybe I'd like to give someone else the responsibility so that they can improve their planning skills?
For now, I'm drinking infrequently - maybe once a week - and not in excess (except for Valentine's Day, I'll admit.. we went a little crazy with the Captain). I know this isn't ideal, but I'm thinking its ok. My main concern is that I'll get pregnant before we really start trying (off birth control now, so we're trying to time everything perfectly to avoid the fertile days), and I will drink without knowing I'm pregnant. Even this scenario happens all the time, and the mom and baby are fine.
My conclusion? Over the next two months, I will enjoy myself within my own limits (after that, I'm saying goodbye to the Captain and his friends!).
Cheers!
Friday, February 8, 2013
This Post is Brought to You by the Letter "J"
We celebrated our first Valentine's Day in 2010 by spending the weekend in New York City. We took a train directly from Atlantic City to New York, but didn't have set plans on how to get home. Yes, this planner can be highly influenced by the spontaneous love of her life. We ended up hopping three different trains to get home, and we spent the time talking about any and everything...and cuddling. So much cuddling that the miserable woman across from us said something.
One of the things we talked about was baby names that we liked. Not that we had any plans at the time - we were just enjoying getting to know each other better. It was on this trip home that we realized the J coincidence. Both of us come from families where all the kids' names start with J. My parents had Jennifer, James, and Jessica; Jared's parents had Jonathan, Jared, and Jessica (yeah, this makes family get-togethers pretty confusing). What are the odds??
I don't usually get sentimental or crazy about fate or whatever you want to call it. But given these circumstances, how could we not give our future kids names that begin with J? Of course, this disrupts my plans of having a Sara and Sean in my life, but some things just can't be overlooked!
This works out for Jared, though. He's always loved the name Jasmine. I like it too, but I'm not sure how well it would fit with our future daughter. I'm an Irish girl with super genes (all of the girls in my family look alike, even my great-niece who's father is Egyptian and black as night); Jared is a mix of German and some other nationality that happened to give him dark hair and the ability to tan (read "jealous, Irish wife"). I just don't see Jasmine fitting a pale, Irish girl, do you?
We agreed on a boy's name that starts with J. Jacob Allen. Jacob seems to be gaining popularity again, according to the Baby Name websites, and I imagine this is because of Twilight. I'm a big Twilight fan so I don't want the accusation that we named him after Jacob Black (uh, no way... Team Edward!!!), but Jacob Allen is the perfect name. Our little boy's name, and I love it. <3
I don't remember how we came across this name - maybe it was in a Baby Name list somewhere. We both love the name Jana Marie for our future daughter. Its an Irish name, so very fitting. It seems to be pretty unique, too, without sounding like a disease which is nice. Jana Marie - our little girl's name. <3
One of the things we talked about was baby names that we liked. Not that we had any plans at the time - we were just enjoying getting to know each other better. It was on this trip home that we realized the J coincidence. Both of us come from families where all the kids' names start with J. My parents had Jennifer, James, and Jessica; Jared's parents had Jonathan, Jared, and Jessica (yeah, this makes family get-togethers pretty confusing). What are the odds??
I don't usually get sentimental or crazy about fate or whatever you want to call it. But given these circumstances, how could we not give our future kids names that begin with J? Of course, this disrupts my plans of having a Sara and Sean in my life, but some things just can't be overlooked!
This works out for Jared, though. He's always loved the name Jasmine. I like it too, but I'm not sure how well it would fit with our future daughter. I'm an Irish girl with super genes (all of the girls in my family look alike, even my great-niece who's father is Egyptian and black as night); Jared is a mix of German and some other nationality that happened to give him dark hair and the ability to tan (read "jealous, Irish wife"). I just don't see Jasmine fitting a pale, Irish girl, do you?
We agreed on a boy's name that starts with J. Jacob Allen. Jacob seems to be gaining popularity again, according to the Baby Name websites, and I imagine this is because of Twilight. I'm a big Twilight fan so I don't want the accusation that we named him after Jacob Black (uh, no way... Team Edward!!!), but Jacob Allen is the perfect name. Our little boy's name, and I love it. <3
I don't remember how we came across this name - maybe it was in a Baby Name list somewhere. We both love the name Jana Marie for our future daughter. Its an Irish name, so very fitting. It seems to be pretty unique, too, without sounding like a disease which is nice. Jana Marie - our little girl's name. <3
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
Baby Yoga: Preparing the Mind and Body
I'm a planner. I like things to be in order and to be as prepared as possible for what's to come. So the advice "Just have a baby.. it'll all work out 'cause, well, it has to!" or "There's never a right time to have a baby" falls on deaf ears.
Anyone who is recently married will tell you, the single most frequently asked question is "When are you guys going to have a baby?" I like to tell them that we're just practicing at the moment - but the more serious answer is that we're waiting. Waiting for what? That answer has evolved much like my thoughts on having children.
My husband is in the process of finishing his college degree. Its probably best to wait to have kids until both of you are done with college, right? So that was our first timeline - we'll have a baby after Jared graduates. But that was too long for us to wait. Given the increased risk with pregnancies after the mom is 35, I'd like to be done having kids before I reach that age. So waiting for graduation is unrealistic.
Next, I started a "Baby Bucket List." This list consisted mostly of travel, and we actually checked off all the places we wanted to go before baby.. in a year's time. First off to Vegas, then the Grand Canyon, followed by Disney World (my first trip there!), then Alabama and Mississippi to visit family, and finally Ireland and Scotland (the background picture of this blog is the Cliffs of Moher in Ireland). Another item on the list was to pay off our debt... Yeah, so the rest of the list was tossed aside.
Finally, the most practical reason for us to wait. I need to save my paid leave at work so I can have a maternity leave. My job will let me take off after giving birth, but in order to get paid during that time, I need to use my sick and personal leave. Sucks, I know. So I started a spreadsheet (Excel is my weirdest obsession) to figure out when I'd have enough leave saved up and when we could start trying to conceive (or TTC as baby message boards like to say.. that'll have to be another topic). The conclusion? We can start trying to have a baby in April of this year!
I'm a planner. So when I realized we were just a few months away from trying, I went into hyper-preparation mode. I think I'm driving Jared insane. Of course, I started an account on The Bump and read all of the items on the pregnancy checklist (you know, over the whole 9 months) just so I know what I'm getting myself into. I bought and read a book called Babyproofing Your Marriage (I highly recommend it!). I bought vegan prenatal vitamins. I nearly completed a wishlist on Babies R Us (because doing a registry this early would be insane, right?). All of this preparation.. done in January. Yep, a whole 4 months before we actually start trying to have a baby. Go ahead and commit me.
This was all to prepare my mind for this huge change. I know I can't plan for everything (hardly anything, really) when it comes to having a baby, but I feel so much better, more confident, if I know that I'm as prepared as I can be.
Now that its early February, I'm starting to prepare my body too. I've been off birth control for a few weeks now since "they" recommend you wait until its out of your system for a few months before trying to conceive. I'm trying to attend my kickboxing classes more consistently with the goal of losing a little weight. I'm trying to eat better (pizza and pasta are my weaknesses!!), and I'm taking those vegan prenatal vitamins. Did you know they can make your pee neon green?
So lots of preparations underway. My head is constantly stuck in what we call "baby mode." There's so much uncertainty in having a baby. Jared is much better at handling the unknown than I am, and he tolerates my control freak tendencies with ease. I think he just knows that planning is my way of centering myself, making everything right in my world.
Namaste.
Anyone who is recently married will tell you, the single most frequently asked question is "When are you guys going to have a baby?" I like to tell them that we're just practicing at the moment - but the more serious answer is that we're waiting. Waiting for what? That answer has evolved much like my thoughts on having children.
My husband is in the process of finishing his college degree. Its probably best to wait to have kids until both of you are done with college, right? So that was our first timeline - we'll have a baby after Jared graduates. But that was too long for us to wait. Given the increased risk with pregnancies after the mom is 35, I'd like to be done having kids before I reach that age. So waiting for graduation is unrealistic.
Next, I started a "Baby Bucket List." This list consisted mostly of travel, and we actually checked off all the places we wanted to go before baby.. in a year's time. First off to Vegas, then the Grand Canyon, followed by Disney World (my first trip there!), then Alabama and Mississippi to visit family, and finally Ireland and Scotland (the background picture of this blog is the Cliffs of Moher in Ireland). Another item on the list was to pay off our debt... Yeah, so the rest of the list was tossed aside.
Finally, the most practical reason for us to wait. I need to save my paid leave at work so I can have a maternity leave. My job will let me take off after giving birth, but in order to get paid during that time, I need to use my sick and personal leave. Sucks, I know. So I started a spreadsheet (Excel is my weirdest obsession) to figure out when I'd have enough leave saved up and when we could start trying to conceive (or TTC as baby message boards like to say.. that'll have to be another topic). The conclusion? We can start trying to have a baby in April of this year!
I'm a planner. So when I realized we were just a few months away from trying, I went into hyper-preparation mode. I think I'm driving Jared insane. Of course, I started an account on The Bump and read all of the items on the pregnancy checklist (you know, over the whole 9 months) just so I know what I'm getting myself into. I bought and read a book called Babyproofing Your Marriage (I highly recommend it!). I bought vegan prenatal vitamins. I nearly completed a wishlist on Babies R Us (because doing a registry this early would be insane, right?). All of this preparation.. done in January. Yep, a whole 4 months before we actually start trying to have a baby. Go ahead and commit me.
This was all to prepare my mind for this huge change. I know I can't plan for everything (hardly anything, really) when it comes to having a baby, but I feel so much better, more confident, if I know that I'm as prepared as I can be.
Now that its early February, I'm starting to prepare my body too. I've been off birth control for a few weeks now since "they" recommend you wait until its out of your system for a few months before trying to conceive. I'm trying to attend my kickboxing classes more consistently with the goal of losing a little weight. I'm trying to eat better (pizza and pasta are my weaknesses!!), and I'm taking those vegan prenatal vitamins. Did you know they can make your pee neon green?
So lots of preparations underway. My head is constantly stuck in what we call "baby mode." There's so much uncertainty in having a baby. Jared is much better at handling the unknown than I am, and he tolerates my control freak tendencies with ease. I think he just knows that planning is my way of centering myself, making everything right in my world.
Namaste.
Monday, February 4, 2013
The Evolution of Baby Thoughts
I used to hate the idea of having kids.
My parents had three children: my sister is 13 years older than me, my brother is 10 years older than me, and then there's me - the baby. I first became an aunt at the age of 9 when my sister's daughter was born. Now I'm Aunt Jess to 5 kids in my family and 2 in my husband's family - oh, and Great-Aunt Jess to one - all before I turn 30. Don't get me wrong, I love my nieces and nephews (and great-niece). Somewhere along the line, though, I got the idea that it would be better to not have kids of my own and just spoil the hell out of my sister's and my brother's kids instead.
When I was a teenager, the biggest reason I didn't see myself having kids was the actual birth. That still scares me to death. Countless women have died during childbirth, so I'm thinking this isn't an unrealistic fear. I know, I know.. modern science has made this a much safer process, but it still doesn't sound like a walk in the park.
Now that I'm married, feeling my biological clock ticking away, and watching my friends start their families, a bigger fear has emerged: saying goodbye to life as I know it. Losing the freedom to sit on the couch all day watching Criminal Minds marathons. Losing the thrill of spontaneity. Losing the precious extra hours of sleep on a Saturday morning. Most of all, losing the electrifying connection I have with my husband.
I want to start our family more now than ever.
I have the most wonderful husband in the world. If he was anyone else, I would still be held hostage by my fears of becoming a mother. Emotionally, we've been ready to have a baby for about a year; financially.. well, we're as good as we're going to get. But I'm not worried anymore. We are a team and will mold our relationship and ourselves to fit the new life of parenthood. As my husband has said to me, our lives are going to change drastically, but we will not lose them. We may not be able to have lazy days as often, but we'll have a much deeper connection. Both of us are so much looking forward to creating a life together and teaching him or her about the world. For all the sacrifices we'll have to make, we'll share and enjoy those moments of watching our baby grow and learn new things.
..or so I hope. We are just at the start of this baby-making process, and I'm going to use this blog to share our experiences (I mean the emotional, health and wellness, planning process - not the down & dirty baby-making. I'm sure someone else has a blog for that). My husband and I haven't told anyone we're even in the planning stage (well ok, I have one girlfriend in the loop for moral support), so my writings here may even help us share the news when the time comes.
My parents had three children: my sister is 13 years older than me, my brother is 10 years older than me, and then there's me - the baby. I first became an aunt at the age of 9 when my sister's daughter was born. Now I'm Aunt Jess to 5 kids in my family and 2 in my husband's family - oh, and Great-Aunt Jess to one - all before I turn 30. Don't get me wrong, I love my nieces and nephews (and great-niece). Somewhere along the line, though, I got the idea that it would be better to not have kids of my own and just spoil the hell out of my sister's and my brother's kids instead.
When I was a teenager, the biggest reason I didn't see myself having kids was the actual birth. That still scares me to death. Countless women have died during childbirth, so I'm thinking this isn't an unrealistic fear. I know, I know.. modern science has made this a much safer process, but it still doesn't sound like a walk in the park.
Now that I'm married, feeling my biological clock ticking away, and watching my friends start their families, a bigger fear has emerged: saying goodbye to life as I know it. Losing the freedom to sit on the couch all day watching Criminal Minds marathons. Losing the thrill of spontaneity. Losing the precious extra hours of sleep on a Saturday morning. Most of all, losing the electrifying connection I have with my husband.
I want to start our family more now than ever.
I have the most wonderful husband in the world. If he was anyone else, I would still be held hostage by my fears of becoming a mother. Emotionally, we've been ready to have a baby for about a year; financially.. well, we're as good as we're going to get. But I'm not worried anymore. We are a team and will mold our relationship and ourselves to fit the new life of parenthood. As my husband has said to me, our lives are going to change drastically, but we will not lose them. We may not be able to have lazy days as often, but we'll have a much deeper connection. Both of us are so much looking forward to creating a life together and teaching him or her about the world. For all the sacrifices we'll have to make, we'll share and enjoy those moments of watching our baby grow and learn new things.
..or so I hope. We are just at the start of this baby-making process, and I'm going to use this blog to share our experiences (I mean the emotional, health and wellness, planning process - not the down & dirty baby-making. I'm sure someone else has a blog for that). My husband and I haven't told anyone we're even in the planning stage (well ok, I have one girlfriend in the loop for moral support), so my writings here may even help us share the news when the time comes.
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