A friend of mine posted an article on facebook a few weeks ago that listed the top things parents wish they knew before having kids. He said it was a good article, so I trust that its pretty accurate since he has a new baby who's just a few months old.
A lot of the info in this article was the standard baby talk: more diapers than you could have ever imagined, lots of cute clothes never get worn since babies grow out of sizes so quick, no sleep, no free-time, no money, etc. I've heard and read all of this a million times. I've also heard people say that you just don't feel like yourself, but this article put it in words that really got to me.
"You will NEVER be the same."
Now, the article talks about how your choices in entertainment, nutritional and safety habits, and thoughts on poop (of all things) will change. Of course, it also talks about the loving bond you will now have with your child. It also mentions the change in your relationship with your spouse (which worries me, if you've read previous posts). But there's something about this saying - "you'll never be the same" - that really got to me.
I don't want to lose who I am. I've worked for almost 30 years to develop who I am today; totally changing the definition of who I am for the rest of my life is not easy to think about. I suppose it comes back to the fear of the unknown again. Am I going to change for the better? I don't want to become a crazy, over-protective mother on the verge of a nervous breakdown. On the other hand, I don't want to become an irresponsible mother, either. I want to keep the core of who I am but tweak it here and there. I already value family, but I want to value my family even more and in different ways when we have a baby. I value fairness and equality, but I want to strengthen that conviction when we have children. I've learned what love truly is and what makes a person great, but I want to add to that knowledge by experiencing the greatest love of all.
I don't want to lose myself - I want to grow from who I am now. Luckily, I have a husband who is the perfect person to keep me on this path during our journey. I shared these thoughts with him, and I think he got a little scared that I was changing my mind on wanting kids. He assured me that he would let me know if it seemed like I was headed towards the dark side, changing into someone I wouldn't like. I can trust that he'll let me know if I'm being ridiculous about something or worrying too much. I trust that he'll always remind me of what's important in life. I just have to hope that I won't change too much to listen to him.
One thing he can't comfort me on is the physical changes I know I'm going to go through. He'll never experience it, so its easy for him to shrug it off. I was told once by a friend that being pregnant feels like you're not you anymore - you're just a host for another person. People don't think twice about touching your belly or asking personal questions about your body. Can you imagine if someone came up to you and patted your stomach or put their ear up to it with no baby inside?? It would never happen! Your body isn't yours when you're pregnant, and then you have a baby who depends on your body to live. I'm a pretty modest person, so I have a hard time imagining breast-feeding in general, let alone in public. But I know that it will be the best thing for our children, so I'll get used to it. It means continuing to stay fit and healthy, though, since I'll still be eating for two. At least my body will become solely mine again once our baby is eating real food. I can't say the same for my mind.
So maybe I should look at it like this. Instead of "You will NEVER be the same," I'm going to think "You will be a BETTER person." Of course becoming a mother is going to change my life forever. But as long as I hold tight to my beliefs and my values, I can choose to grow as a person and add to my beliefs and values instead of change them. I have to trust in myself to do this.
Everyday we are growing and changing as individuals. Regardless of the outside circumstances, we make choices everyday to adapt to our environment and those choices reflect who we are at our core. I think each choice sets us more firmly in the true realization of ourselves. If you are secure and happy as you are now, I don't think having a baby will change you in any way other than helping you to truly become and realize who you are. Just make sure you take some time out for yourself to run a quick self-check to make sure you are still who you want to be. In my observation, it is the people who stop paying attention to themselves and only focus on the behavior and existence of others who become something they're not. Be the person you'd be proud of your children becoming, which I'm sure will come naturally. And don't fear change - it is what creates. <3
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