The Evolution of Baby Thoughts

I used to hate the idea of having kids.

My parents had three children: my sister is 13 years older than me, my brother is 10 years older than me, and then there's me - the baby.  I first became an aunt at the age of 9 when my sister's daughter was born.  Now I'm Aunt Jess to 5 kids in my family and 2 in my husband's family - oh, and Great-Aunt Jess to one - all before I turn 30.  Don't get me wrong, I love my nieces and nephews (and great-niece).  Somewhere along the line, though, I got the idea that it would be better to not have kids of my own and just spoil the hell out of my sister's and my brother's kids instead.

When I was a teenager, the biggest reason I didn't see myself having kids was the actual birth.  That still scares me to death.  Countless women have died during childbirth, so I'm thinking this isn't an unrealistic fear.  I know, I know.. modern science has made this a much safer process, but it still doesn't sound like a walk in the park.

Now that I'm married, feeling my biological clock ticking away, and watching my friends start their families, a bigger fear has emerged: saying goodbye to life as I know it.  Losing the freedom to sit on the couch all day watching Criminal Minds marathons.  Losing the thrill of spontaneity.  Losing the precious extra hours of sleep on a Saturday morning.  Most of all, losing the electrifying connection I have with my husband.

I want to start our family more now than ever.

I have the most wonderful husband in the world.  If he was anyone else, I would still be held hostage by my fears of becoming a mother.  Emotionally, we've been ready to have a baby for about a year; financially.. well, we're as good as we're going to get.  But I'm not worried anymore.  We are a team and will mold our relationship and ourselves to fit the new life of parenthood.  As my husband has said to me, our lives are going to change drastically, but we will not lose them.  We may not be able to have lazy days as often, but we'll have a much deeper connection.  Both of us are so much looking forward to creating a life together and teaching him or her about the world.  For all the sacrifices we'll have to make, we'll share and enjoy those moments of watching our baby grow and learn new things. 

..or so I hope.  We are just at the start of this baby-making process, and I'm going to use this blog to share our experiences (I mean the emotional, health and wellness, planning process - not the down & dirty baby-making. I'm sure someone else has a blog for that).  My husband and I haven't told anyone we're even in the planning stage (well ok, I have one girlfriend in the loop for moral support), so my writings here may even help us share the news when the time comes.