I hate this. Period.

Well this is the second strike. No baby yet. Ugh, this is a frustrating process.

Took two tests that came back negative, but it didn't really hit me until that thing I was supposed to miss, made an appearance anyway. Stupid period. I hate it.

Jared is cutting out alcohol almost entirely since it supposedly slows down his army. He is motivating me not to drink soda as much. Its working pretty well.

I also read that you should be uh, practicing, every other day. The idea of saving up a few days worth  of his little men to increase chances of getting pregnant is actually the opposite of what happens. Guess it gets crowded in there like the mall on black friday, and everyone just gives up. :/

Ok so armed with new info and better strategies, we're on to the next round. Man, I really hope the third time is the charm.

Worse than Waiting for Christmas Morning!

We've done all we can now to get pregnant this month, so now its just a waiting game to find out if it worked!  This is the worst waiting game ever.. :(

There's plenty of things to do while we're waiting though.  For example, I've been filling up most of my time planning for next month's efforts if this one isn't successful.  Less alcohol for Jared (alcohol slows down his little men), more exercise for me.  Hooray.  I've also started to really kick the soda (I mean it, this time.. no, I swear, I really am done with it).  We've also talked about all the possibilities - sickness/disabilities, twins (or more..please no), abnormal pregnancies, etc - and what we would do in each situation.

We've talked about the differences in how all of this is affecting us.  I wrote in a previous blog about my friend telling me pregnancy is kinda a lonely experience.  No one else is going through exactly what you're going through, and your husband will never fully understand it.  I see that now.  At this very moment, I could have another human being living inside of me.  I'm extremely excited and a little scared about that.  This all got very real for me when we tried to get pregnant knowing I was at my most fertile point (thanks to the ovulation test).  But for Jared, this won't be real until we tell everyone we're going to be parents (I'm not assuming this, its what he said).  I know we'll get there soon, but I wish we were on the same emotional page from the start.  This does feel lonely. 

In about a week, I'm going to take a pregnancy test (or two), and we have our fingers crossed that it'll be positive.  I feel like I got a sign yesterday that this is the case.  I went to my cousin Danielle's baby shower, and they played the word game.  We couldn't say "baby" or "Sadie" (the baby's name), and if we did, we had our game piece taken from us.  The person with the most pieces at the end of the shower won a prize.  I kept an ear open to everyone around me and ended up with 10 pieces at the end.  I opened the prize, and it was an outdoor decoration with an owl on it.  I haven't mentioned this yet in my blog (cause it would be crazy to think this far ahead for normal people), but I really love owls for a baby's room theme.  I had to take this as a sign that I'm pregnant! :)

:)

Today is the day!!  I got a smiley face on my ovulation test this morning, meaning its the first of two peak fertility days.  *Cue the Barry Manilow song*

Even though we "tried" in April, today feels like the first legitimate attempt at getting pregnant.  I've been keeping better track of my fertility with those pee sticks every morning, so we know the timing is right.  If we don't get pregnant this time, we'll need to look at changing something like our diets.  I mean, I even hung upside down off the bed afterwards so gravity made it easier for the little guys to reach their goal.

This has to be it.

"If at first you don't succeed.."

"..try, try again!"

The time has come to give this a second try.  After talking with my friend (who is now pregnant with her second!), I've decided to use more than an online calculator to figure out the best days to try.  Jared was kind enough to get some "ovulation tests" yesterday, so we'll be able to pinpoint the exact days we need to kick it into high gear (how many ways can I get around saying "have sex," I wonder).

No dice yet.

Strike 1

I've realized that my blog has become rather boring now that I've figured out or come to terms with all my baby-related issues! Sorry for that :/

Baby-making status update:

Despite trying all the tricks to help get pregnant, this cycle's efforts have failed. :(  I'm a little sad about it, but not too much. I really want a baby more than anything now, but the longer it takes for me to get pregnant, the more leave I'll have saved (thus, more time I can stay home) when the baby is here.

I'm not surprised that our tricks didn't work this time. There's a window of time when a girl is able to get pregnant, and I use a calculator on thebump.com to pinpoint those days. For some reason (possibly a little thing called PMS lol), I'm really irritable on my most fertile days! I get annoyed at the smallest, dumbest things.  Talk about natural birth control!! I need to find a way to get over that or I may never get pregnant..

My cousin said once that she always knew almost immediately when she was pregnant.  There was some distinct feeling that tipped her off and came on right away.  Since we started really trying, I've been looking for some undeniable sign.  I had some bad stomach pain one night.. woke up feeling a little nauseous another day.. I felt unusually full at one point.  Yeah, looking back now, I was grasping at straws, but I was curious with each odd feeling if it was my pregnancy sign.

I really hate baseball (I can picture the glare my sister-in-law is giving me for saying this), but this really does feel like the first strike.  We swung and missed.  We may have swung a little weak, but we tried.  This means more conditioning and, ugh, practice so we can hit a home-run next time.  I guess soda and junk food aren't part of an athlete's diet, huh?  Damnit.. time for me to get serious about this health crap now.

"sooo.. its April!!"

I get a text from my best friend today who's the only one in the loop with our baby-making plans.  "Sooo... its April!!"  Time to start the baby-making!

Isn't it a perfect time to try to get pregnant?  There are babies everywhere!  All over facebook, I'm seeing baby bunnies in Easter pictures, little kittens, chicks, etc.  I love it! :)

The plan is to start really trying - like using all the techniques talked about in books, on forums, motherhood articles, etc - at the end of this month.  As I understand it, there's only a small window each month where we can get pregnant.  Thank goodness TheBump.com has it all figured out and put everything in easy calculators and charts.  I would be so lost without that website (I'm sure other websites have the same stuff, but I was a Knot and Nest girl, so Bump just comes next naturally).

I'm so unbelievably excited and ready to do this.  We've been putting it off for so many different reasons, and I'm somewhat glad for that.  I've had a lot of time to prepare myself and jot down my thoughts on this whole ordeal.  Honestly, having this blog to go to has helped me a lot.  I've been using it as a pseudo-journal.  This was going to be a blog that both Jared and I posted on, but he saw how much I needed it to vent.  I never realized how much writing my concerns could help me work through them!

And see.  I'm insanely excited to truly start this journey with Jared that all those worries I had (and some I still have) are not enough to keep me from becoming a mother.  I already want my Jana and/or (please let it be an "or") Jacob to be home with us. <3

Let the baby-making begin!!

Lose Yourself: More than an Eminem Song

A friend of mine posted an article on facebook a few weeks ago that listed the top things parents wish they knew before having kids.  He said it was a good article, so I trust that its pretty accurate since he has a new baby who's just a few months old.

A lot of the info in this article was the standard baby talk: more diapers than you could have ever imagined, lots of cute clothes never get worn since babies grow out of sizes so quick, no sleep, no free-time, no money, etc.  I've heard and read all of this a million times.  I've also heard people say that you just don't feel like yourself, but this article put it in words that really got to me.

"You will NEVER be the same."

Now, the article talks about how your choices in entertainment, nutritional and safety habits, and thoughts on poop (of all things) will change.  Of course, it also talks about the loving bond you will now have with your child.  It also mentions the change in your relationship with your spouse (which worries me, if you've read previous posts).  But there's something about this saying - "you'll never be the same" - that really got to me.

I don't want to lose who I am.  I've worked for almost 30 years to develop who I am today; totally changing the definition of who I am for the rest of my life is not easy to think about.  I suppose it comes back to the fear of the unknown again. Am I going to change for the better?  I don't want to become a crazy, over-protective mother on the verge of a nervous breakdown.  On the other hand, I don't want to become an irresponsible mother, either.  I want to keep the core of who I am but tweak it here and there.  I already value family, but I want to value my family even more and in different ways when we have a baby.  I value fairness and equality, but I want to strengthen that conviction when we have children.  I've learned what love truly is and what makes a person great, but I want to add to that knowledge by experiencing the greatest love of all.

I don't want to lose myself - I want to grow from who I am now.  Luckily, I have a husband who is the perfect person to keep me on this path during our journey.  I shared these thoughts with him, and I think he got a little scared that I was changing my mind on wanting kids.  He assured me that he would let me know if it seemed like I was headed towards the dark side, changing into someone I wouldn't like.  I can trust that he'll let me know if I'm being ridiculous about something or worrying too much.  I trust that he'll always remind me of what's important in life.  I just have to hope that I won't change too much to listen to him.

One thing he can't comfort me on is the physical changes I know I'm going to go through.  He'll never experience it, so its easy for him to shrug it off.  I was told once by a friend that being pregnant feels like you're not you anymore - you're just a host for another person.  People don't think twice about touching your belly or asking personal questions about your body.  Can you imagine if someone came up to you and patted your stomach or put their ear up to it with no baby inside??  It would never happen!  Your body isn't yours when you're pregnant, and then you have a baby who depends on your body to live.  I'm a pretty modest person, so I have a hard time imagining breast-feeding in general, let alone in public.  But I know that it will be the best thing for our children, so I'll get used to it.  It means continuing to stay fit and healthy, though, since I'll still be eating for two.  At least my body will become solely mine again once our baby is eating real food.  I can't say the same for my mind.

So maybe I should look at it like this.  Instead of "You will NEVER be the same," I'm going to think "You will be a BETTER person."  Of course becoming a mother is going to change my life forever.  But as long as I hold tight to my beliefs and my values, I can choose to grow as a person and add to my beliefs and values instead of change them.  I have to trust in myself to do this.